YVONNE: Hi everyone, and thanks for coming on such short notice to the first press conference on New Avalon since its liberation! [big smile]
[the camera pans up to reveal a colossal hole in the ceiling of the room. In the distance, we can see a thick column of smoke rising from the crater of Mount Davion. We hear a quick angry cough from off-camera, and it pans back down to the smiling Princess-Regent.]
YVONNE: It's really very exciting for me to be nominally in charge of things here on New Avalon, as opposed to nominally ruling from Markesan, and I hope to bring you more of the first-class Crucis March hands-on governance you've come to expect from New Avalon!
[nervous sub rosa utterances from the press corps; the guardsmen exchange terrified sidelong glances.]
YVONNE: As part of this, we're pleased to announce the "right-sizing" of the AFFS. As you know, outflow has exceeded intake for the past fourteen years, despite a brand-new PR campaign---
[QUICK CUT---with audible "whoosh" sound---TO AFFS RECRUITMENT COMMERCIAL: we see a grizzled-looking DI with one cybernetic eye and a bloody wad of what appears to be toilet paper crammed in the other socket. He smiles a smile notable for its lack of both warmth and teeth.]
DI: Helloooooo, MAGGOTS! The Federated Suns needs men and women. Not even good men and women. Just warm bodies, really. And they don't even need to be that warm! Ask yourself this: "am I aflame with patriotic duty? Or would I settle for indiscriminate rape and murder? Do I have between 23 and 46 chromosomes?" If the answer to any of these questions is "yes!", then we need you! Stand shoulder to shoulder with the surviving demi-company of the Davion Light Guards as they charge into another semen-boiling atomic explosion, or lead the charge of both surviving members of the Crucis Lancers brigade into the teeth of the 666th Shadow Division (Apollyon's Burning Urethra)'s elite Rotary Heavy Gauss Alacorn "Hellstorm" battalion! [He looks directly into the camera, his eyelid distended over his cybernetic eye, a thin trail of spittle curling out of his mouth.] Join the AFFS. Seriously. We're dying out here.
[QUICK CUT BACK TO YVONNE]
YVONNE: ---as well as limiting ourselves to only one major and one minor war at a time. Furthermore, our warship drawdown program continues to reduce the strain on the budget, thanks to the thermal decomissioning of the FCS Kathil and our donation, for tax purposes, of the FCS Excalibur to Devlin Stone's forces. Yes, the future's so bright, we have to wear tinted goggles! [one of the guardsmen goes catatonic and topples to the ground as he has a flashback] Now. Any questions?
BESTER LANGS: Princess Regent, Bester Langs from Robinson News Service. Aren't you worried that reducing the AFFS to something like 25% of its pre-war authorized strength will leave us defenceless against the Kuritans?
YVONNE: No, scholars predict a new era of peace and enlightenment will follow this terrible war.
BESTER LANGS: Uh, should we maybe wait for that to happen before committing to such a redu---
YVONNE: [irritated] Thank you Bester that is all. [All smiles] Next question, please!
VENUS WILLENDORF: Yvonne, Venus Willendorf with NSNS; did you murder St. George Hasek, the beloved defender of our freedoms?
YVONNE: I don't think anyone was sadder to hear of George Hasek's death than George Hasek himself, as it was happening to him. Next question!
JEDEDIAH T CORNPONE: Ma'am, mah name's Jedediah T. Cornpone, of Filtvelt News, and---
YVONNE: Who the ****** are you? No more questions. Seriously now!
*=I have a soft spot for Yvonne; we share a birthday, and also, I'm dating a girl who looks a lot like her. I do what I do for House Davion, really!
(с)3rdCrucisLancers
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